Sunday, April 19, 2009

Fart Breath

A couple of days ago I was rushing to get my oldest daughter out the door and to school on time. I live around the corner from the school. (You know where I'm going here) I can get up at 6:30 a.m., have everybody's snacks packed, clothes laid out the night before and still, I am barely getting her to school on time. What is it? What's wrong with my game plan? Well for one thing my two year old, like clock work, takes a big dump between 8:30 and 8:45 a.m. so almost every morning her poop throws a stench wrench in my schedule. I'd leave it and come back home and change her, but nooooo. When we get to school she wants to walk around, and then everyone sees and smells the tennis ball crap in her pants at which point the judgmental looks from moms are hurled at me like daggers wrapped in wet wipes .
Anyhoo, this particular day Annie was wearing her long coat and because of the buttons on it we ended up being face to face for a minute.
She said to me, shoving her chin into her neck to get as far away from me as possible, that when my perfume...blended with my smelled like a fart. Or maybe it was Poppy's diaper.
In my defense, everyone gets breakfast before 9:00 a.m.except me. I get to have a cup of tea that was hot but had to be consumed cold because somebody always needs something so the tea has to wait. So cold tea breath is not an uncommon occurrence.
I told Annie I was really hungry and was in a hurry so to kill two birds with one stone I ate Poppy's poopy diaper. That's what Mum's do. Eat on the run.
I thought I was being funny and clever.
She just wanted to know why I would kill two birds.

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