Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Sometimes I don't have time to pick up these...

because I'm busy making these!


Sunday, April 19, 2009

Fart Breath

A couple of days ago I was rushing to get my oldest daughter out the door and to school on time. I live around the corner from the school. (You know where I'm going here) I can get up at 6:30 a.m., have everybody's snacks packed, clothes laid out the night before and still, I am barely getting her to school on time. What is it? What's wrong with my game plan? Well for one thing my two year old, like clock work, takes a big dump between 8:30 and 8:45 a.m. so almost every morning her poop throws a stench wrench in my schedule. I'd leave it and come back home and change her, but nooooo. When we get to school she wants to walk around, and then everyone sees and smells the tennis ball crap in her pants at which point the judgmental looks from moms are hurled at me like daggers wrapped in wet wipes .
Anyhoo, this particular day Annie was wearing her long coat and because of the buttons on it we ended up being face to face for a minute.
She said to me, shoving her chin into her neck to get as far away from me as possible, that when my perfume...blended with my breath...it smelled like a fart. Or maybe it was Poppy's diaper.
In my defense, everyone gets breakfast before 9:00 a.m.except me. I get to have a cup of tea that was hot but had to be consumed cold because somebody always needs something so the tea has to wait. So cold tea breath is not an uncommon occurrence.
I told Annie I was really hungry and was in a hurry so to kill two birds with one stone I ate Poppy's poopy diaper. That's what Mum's do. Eat on the run.
I thought I was being funny and clever.
She just wanted to know why I would kill two birds.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

What Does He Know?

Every now and then my husband will come home from work and listen to me complain about how crazy the kids were and how lonely I feel and how I can't stand the mess, and his response is generally "I know babe, I know babe".

This is not the correct response.

The correct response would be "Come here, into my arms"...he holds me close and then says... "Go upstairs and relax. I'll take the girls to the park and you can do something on your own. Then I'll make dinner and CLEAN UP without letting anything soak over night in the sink, walk the dog, fold the laundry and put it away."

To say "I know" means he has experienced the last 5 years of dealing with the pee, poop, snot, tears, glue, soggy cereal, screaming, poop, biting, brushing, cleaning, not sleeping, knots, rain, snow, shopping, bathing, breakfast, lunches, dinners, laundry, poop, gymnastics, jazz, tap, ballet, acting, gym, birthday parties, drop in centers, play dates, barf, politics, blood, doctor appointments and more poo.

I think this misunderstanding started when I got pregnant and I overheard my excited husband tell people "WE" were pregnant. We? The last time I checked it was my body that was a human petree dish and he was just toasting his buddys and bragging about how potent his swimmers are. So I took him aside and explained that "We aren't pregnant. I'm pregnant. Just like I don't go around telling people we're going bald. Get it? Now get me some food, and buckle in for a few years of mood swings!" My already pastie white husband turned a lighter shade of pale.

So here we are now greeting each other at the end of the day, stepping carefully as we listen to each other retell our days adventures at the office or here at home, both thinking we have the harder of the two jobs.

But that's for another blog!

Friday, April 10, 2009

I'm Freak'n Tired !!!

I used to sleep. I love sleep. If it was legal I would divorce my husband and marry sleep. I would sign an iron clad prenup for sleep if it asked me. I would swallow for sleep. Yep. Yes I would.Children don't let you sleep. I am not the same. I'm angry and impatient and rude. I used to smile and laugh and now I drink as much caffeine as possible and I'm shaky and the verge of violent. I'm starting to become paranoid because of the lack of sleep. I'm sure that I have given up my entire career and personality and speaking in full sentences to look after children for 14 hours for the REST OF MY LIFE and the house will always be a dump even though I haven't peed in 9 hours because I haven't stopped cleaning.I love it when my sister (who doesn't have children.....yet) says "I'm tired". I want to punch her in the throat. I know D.I.N.K.'s (double income no kids) can feel sleepy but yesterday at 5:00 in the evening I had to talk myself out of barfing because I was so tired. I had shaky legs and was losing my voice by eight..... then I made dinner and did laundry.I'm seriously going to join Lava Life and date Sleep.... or maybe just have internet sleep...zzzzzz

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

From the mouths of babes

My two year old has hit her speaking stride. Everyday she's got new words...well words only her mother can figure out. Okay after we spend twenty minutes playing charades.

"Moley"she says. "Mole?" I ask. "Nooooo" (with a slight key change at the end). "Moley" she says. "Goalie?" I ask. I'm reaching because she has never seen a hockey game ever. "Noooooooo" she says, "MOOOLLEYYYY" like I 'm deaf. "Ohhhhhhh I got it" I say "MONKEY!!!!" "Nooooooo" (and key change) "I don't know baby, I just don't know", feeling like a total failure. And then she says "it okay Mommy me know don't too...cake."

Dr Sears can tell us how their brains function but he can't tell us how to understand what the hell they're saying. It's like I'm trying to understand a very sloppy drunk "Nell".

Okay, I need a nap.
Erin Keazzzzzzzzzzzzz...

"Observation of the day"
Clint Black and George W. look very similar...although on Celebrity Apprentice Clint seemed controlling, chauvinistic and not that bright. Wait a second.

"Song of the day"
"Rock Me Right" Artist: Susan Tedeschi Album: Just Won't Burn

"The Deal of The Day!"
Price Choppers has Crispy Mini's on sale for $1.25 a bag.
WHATTTT!!!!!!!! First bag was gone in 5 minutes... good thing I bought five of them and good thing I don't have 25 minutes to myself.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


My name is Erin and I am a loving mother of two beautiful sweet little girls.
Well...most of the time I'm loving. And most of the time they're sweet.
Actually, you could probably draw a direct correlation between when they're not sweet and when I'm not loving.
Here's a glimpse.
Been there?
Tell me about it.
No...literally. I want you to tell me about it.
(more to come)