Church

Ohhh religion, why do we get in trouble when we talk about you?

I grew up catholic. We went to church on Sundays. My mom promised if we were good we could visit the coffee shop for donuts after service. I was really good. It was only a few years that we went regularly and then it was Easter and Christmas and then just Christmas and then I went to musical theatre school and if a Catholic god couldn't accept my gay dance partner well he wasn't my god. My mom was pissed cuz I got all loud about it. I was twenty.

Today we're going to a visit a place that's a spiritual centre. I kinda like the sounds of that. Every group has people who LOVE to organize and lead and that makes me nervous. A few years ago I went to a Unitarian church ( I loved that group, everyone is welcome). I had a fantastic time. We coloured rocks and sang "All You Need Is Love'. It was totally my speed. I convinced my husband (who's not a fan of organized religion) to come the next Sunday with the girls. I kept selling it hard to him all week. I couldn't wait for him to see this was "our new church".

You know it's going to shit right?

We get there, sit down and I can't wait to see the look on my husband's face when he realizes he loves this place and that's when a woman standing at the front asks all the children to come up and stand with her . They all stumble up there and then she says "Today I would like each child to light a candle for those who suffered and died in the HOLOCAUST and then we'll discuss the events."
Brett looks at me and then calls the kids and leaves. I"m not sure which I was more concerned about my three year old holding fire or the TOPIC. Why were they lighting things? Why do kids at three and six need to know about these horrible events? Can we go back to singing Beatles songs? These questions were going through my head as I followed my husband out the door.

That was the last time we tried "Church".

I also forgot to mention there was a guy there in leather chaps who was playing the didgeridoo
and  a very overly affectionate polygamy relationship happening in the corner.

 Wish me luck. I know one thing for sure. If I'm good, we're going for donuts.

They're back !!!

It's been 10 years. 10 long, intense, fun, frustrating, short, sweaty, tiring, loving, years of having kids with me all day. I am a stay at home mom. Tuesday September 3, My husband and I dropped off our two girls for a full day of school. 8:40a.m. to 3:10 p.m. I have all this time in my house to do whatever I want. I had a HOT cup of coffee. I watched a show. From beginning to end. I put things away and they stayed there. When it was time to pick up the girls, I was really happy to see them. That's all I've done in the first week. Next week I'm just going to meditate for six hours straight every day to balance out the last decade. I'll let you know how it goes.

The Family That Plays Together...

I write this on "Family Day" 2013 in hopes that the new holiday will not end up costing me an extra several hundred dollars every year in the near future.  "Family Day!" Oh the pressure!! When the government officially gives us a day off, I feel like the only way to have a successful holiday is to be doing something amazing for 12 hrs straight.

Will there be family themed cupcake wrappers, cards, napkins, socks with "family" written across them? Earrings with parents dangling from one ear and children and a cat or dog dangling from the other, all filling the shelves at the dollar store?

Side note: I truly believe dollar stores would not exist if it weren't for me buying holiday themed decorations, crafts, and accessories every year.

Now I'm going to feel pressure to seek out an indoor carnival every year on family day because it's the classic overpriced fun family outing.

Well I say, STAND UP AGAINST THE SYSTEM PARENTS! 

Right now I'm sitting here in the kitchen while my children watch T.V. in the next room (Yes, it's heroin for kids eyes.) under bedsheets that have been tacked to the walls to make the biggest tent this semi detached house could ever accommodate.  I'll probably make some burnt grilled cheese sandwiches, running outta bread halfway through, then we might go skating but the chances are 50/50 because laundry is a priority and it's f'ing freezing outside!  Then we'll top off the day with homework which we'll do as a family because the new math is REALLY hard, and wrap it up with a meatloaf for dinner. But there will be a lot of laughing!

My girls will probably remember this day forever and I didn't spend a dime. 

This is a family day.

Now if we can just get the Government to launch a "Give Parents A Break" day!

E

I did my nails !!!

Well, well, well. My oldest kid is at school all day and the younger one is on my ipad, so I was able to do my nails and add a double top coat!!!! What??? I have waited 9 and 1/2 years to do it! Tomorrow I do stand up and I wanted fun fingers. I hope my jokes are fun too. I did the silver stickers by Sally Hansen and they were 50% off the original price. Win win.

Restart!

Okay soooo it's been a year and a half. I didn't follow through with the trainer. I did however discover mom dancing. Zumba. Love it. I also started hosting and producing a monthly mom and dad stand up show at a Lazy Daisy's Cafe 1515 Gerrard St. E and Smock Cafe 287 Roncessvalles. Check out Motherloadtv.com for the Facebook updates and funny random things. I promise to keep up the blogs I promise. I won't let the 3 of you down. Xo

Suck It In

So I'm going to do it! I'm meeting with a fitness trainer on Friday and she's going to measure me and give me a workout plan. I am a measurement virgin. I mean I've had my measurements taken countless times before, but it’s always been for a theatrical wardrobe fitting, never at a gym by someone who's hoping the numbers are big so they’ll have a case study.
I'm also thinking maybe I’ll do a before pic. I'd brush my hair for this pic, have some make up on, not look like my world is over... But no bikini! Even if I’m buff and cut six months from now, I’ll have no interest in looking back on a picture of me…now…in a bikini. I'll wear form-fitting clothes and I’ll try and muster up a smile. Thankfully I’m a trained actor so…I think I can do the smile.

I just want to be healthy, not look like I did when I was 18. I want to feel good in my mom skin. I want to get my cholesterol down (it's pretty high). I want to live a long life and not groan and complain when I get out of a chair.

So I meet with my young childless trainer on Friday. In the meantime I've been drinking wine at night and have baked two batches of really yummy chocolate chip cookies before we meet.

Friday, I get serious. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday I'm seriously bad.
E

And...we're off!

First day back to school.
Alarm goes off at 6:30 a.m.
Dozed until 6:50 a.m.
Rolled outta bed and heard "I feel sick".
Didn't buy it until I saw her gray chalk-coloured face.
Well, one more day in p.j's. can't hurt.

Holiday Hangover

If I see another spinach pumpernickel bread bowl I'm gonna vomit (and it's not because I dislike it, it's because I have an addiction to it).

Today is the last day of the holidays and tomorrow we are back into the schedule of life. I'm scared.

It's gonna hurt going back. We haven't been following a schedule for two weeks and we REALLY enjoyed it. No lunches were made, no walks back and forth six times between the school and home. Don’t get me wrong, entertaining the girls for twelve hours a day was a lot of work, but I didn't bath them diligently every other day and they stayed in p.j's until 4p.m. Dance classes and Girl Guides were all done so no hectic driving in rush hour traffic… with the exception of TWO trips to the Eaton Centre just before Christmas because I’m a “masochist shopper”.

The holidays are like not going to the gym for two weeks and eating whatever you want. At first it's awesome and you think you've died and gone to heaven but by the end you feel shaky. Once you go back to the old routine you feel outta shape and sore on day two.

I'm going need a heating pad and a gin and tonic at 4 p.m. tomorrow.

And to all a good nizzzzzzzzz

I Decked The Halls!

This was an interesting Christmas. For the first time in many many years we had some extra spending money for the season. And although we knew that 2010 will be another year of budgeting, we decided to splurge on the kids. Usually in years past we would scrimp and save, hope for a miracle cheque or for money as a gift from family to pay for bills and groceries the week after the big holiday. I would always stress about it, but somehow…someway there were always too many presents under the tree and the girls were thrilled by the littlest gift. "LOOK! I got LIFESAVERS in a box with a maze on it!!!" "Rudolph's REAL!!! He dropped carrots on the way up the chimney. He's REAL, I knew it!!"

Among the gifts this year? I spent double the price on Zu Zu Hamsters for both girls because it was the must-have toy of the season. They didn't know what it was but I prided myself on getting this high demand gift. The older one got a D.S. I now know what that stands for. "Don't Sh#t when you see the price tag.” Games, puzzles, special order dolls…the list goes on. And you know what the girls loved the most? Having hot chocolate with whip cream for a week straight. Opening the Advent Calendar door every day. Going to the mailbox and checking for Christmas cards. And my personal favorite was seeing the joy on their faces when I would sing the entire "Frosty the Snowman" song for the 800th time.

Secretly I had more fun in past years coming up with creative ideas for gifts that cost next to nothing. Maybe this will be the year that I can find the perfect balance between teaching my children…and learning from them.

Happy New Year my friends,
Over spender...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ignorance is bliss. And so is a good nap.

You know, ten years ago I was convinced I had special powers.

I had this gift around kids. I could easily attract the attention of children. Just with a glance. New born babies would look at me and smile. Children would come up to me and strike up a conversation without any fear or shyness. I honestly thought I was "chosen to have children". I loved kids. I taught kids dance when I was growing up. They adored me for that one hour class and hung off my every word. The parents and children showered me with complements and gifts, telling me I was soooooo special. I knew I would be the best mother and that motherhood would be a breeze for me because of my incredible connection with every child I met.

In my twenties I swore I would never end up like those so called "mothers" on the streetcar who looked liked they hadn't showered and were giving their sweet precocious children an over the top reaming out for not sitting on their butts. (I mean really pick your battles lady. You wanted kids not china dolls).

I remember always asking my girlfriend, when she was going to stop letting her kid sleep with her and her husband, and when she was planning to stop breast feeding him. He was two for crying out loud! GROSS!

I talked to all my other twenty-something friends about this behavior and we all agreed the kid was doomed to be a total tit loving momma's boy. He'd never have a chance. She’d ruined that little boy and never ever would I do any of that crap. It's so damaging.

So it's no surprise that with all it's infinite knowing, the almighty Universe said "I'm gonna bitch slap some reality into this cocky child know-it-all."

I quickly realized I had no natural instincts with a child. None. Let alone a newborn.

Those kids I thought I had a connection with were probably shocked by my over-sized features. I was like a circus freak they couldn't stop looking at. Oh and that cruel un-showered mother on the streetcar? I make her look like Mother Theresa cuddling a dozen 6 week old puppies in one arm while blessing orphanage with the other.

Lastly, I sleep with my daughter in her bed while my husband sleeps with the other one in our bed. Every night. And you know why? WE ALL SLEEP!

AND I'm STILL breastfeeding a two year and eight month old child.

I am living proof that if you judge you will be schooled.
So learn from my pain and keep your negative thoughts to yourself and your mouth shut.

Or there will be a shit storm.

Erinzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A classic Hamilton treat, Wheels Chocolate chip buns!!!!

Okay I've been asked for the chocolate chip bun recipe recently because I bragged about how good my 1st. attempt was on Facebook.

So for my Hamilton homies it's a lot of work but TOTALLY worth it !!!!!!

I don't have a pic right now BUT I will bake a batch and post asap.

Let me know if it's close Hammer heads.

Erinzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The roll part,

INGREDIENTS
Makes 30.
1/4 cup warm water (115 degrees)
2 packets (1/4 ounce each) active dry yeast
1 1/2 cups warm whole milk (115 degrees)
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted, plus more for bowl and pans
1/4 cup sugar
2 1/4 teaspoons salt
3 large eggs
6 to 6 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (spooned and leveled), plus more for work surface

DIRECTIONS
1. Place water in a small bowl; sprinkle with yeast, and let stand until foamy, about 5 minutes. In a large bowl, whisk together milk, butter, sugar, salt, and 2 eggs. Whisk in yeast mixture.

2. Using a wooden spoon, stir in 6 cups flour, 1 cup at a time, until you have a soft, shaggy dough (if necessary, add up to 1/2 cup more flour). Turn dough out onto a floured work surface; knead until smooth and elastic, 5 to 10 minutes. Butter the inside of a large bowl; place dough in bowl, turning to coat. Cover bowl with plastic wrap; let stand in a warm spot until dough has doubled in size, about 1 1/4 hours.

3. Butter two 13-by-9-inch baking pans. Divide dough in half. Roll each half into a 15-inch rope; cut each rope into 15 1-inch pieces. Press each piece into a disk, then shape into a ball. Arrange dough balls in prepared pans. (To make ahead: Wrap pans well, and freeze, up to 2 months.) Cover pans loosely with plastic; let stand in a warm spot until rolls have doubled in size, about 1 1/4 hours (2 hours more if frozen).

4. Preheat oven to 375 degrees, with racks in upper and lower thirds. In a small bowl, beat remaining egg until blended; brush onto rolls. Bake until golden brown, about 20 minutes, rotating pans back to front and top to bottom halfway through. Let rolls cool 15 minutes before serving.

Divide dough in half. Working with one half at a time (keep the other half covered with plastic wrap), roll dough out to a 16-by-10-inch rectangle on a lightly floured work surface.
Spread 4 tablespoons butter over dough, leaving a 1/2-inch border all around.
Spread 3/4 cups of semi sweet chocolate chips (more if you want or less if you're disciplined).

Leave a border around the filling so it doesn't seep.
Starting at a long end, roll up dough like a jellyroll; with a sharp knife, cut crosswise into 12 equal pieces.
Place buns, cut side down, in prepared pans.
Cover pans loosely with plastic; let stand in a warm spot until doubled in size, about 1 1/4 hours.
Preheat oven to 375 degrees, with racks in upper and lower thirds. Bake buns until golden brown, 25 to 30 minutes, rotating pans back to front and top to bottom halfway through. Let cool 15 minutes.

Chocolate icing recipe (use your fav or this one)
2/3 cup butter.
4 cups powdered sugar.
3 to 5 tablespoons milk.
1 teaspoon vanilla.
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa.

In large bowl, cream butter until light and fluffy.
Blend cocoa into creamed butter. Gradually add powdered sugar, beating well after each addition.
Add milk and vanilla. Beat until blended.
(From the recipe book "Cake Decorating for the first time"by Jaynie Maxfield)

Wait until buns are completely cooled to spread the chocolate icing over the pan of rolls. Then add the icing glaze over chocolate iced rolls.

This is Paula Dean's cinnamon white icing glaze recipe.
4 Tablespoons of butter, 2 cups of icing sugar, 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract and 3 to 6 tablespoons of hot water. Mix butter, powdered sugar and vanilla, add 1 tablespoon at a time until glaze reaches desired consistency. Then eat it and send me love!!!!!

My Million Dollar Invention!

Okay, I love my kids.

I REALLY love them.

I craft with them, I dress up with them, I play dollhouse, camping, we read, write, draw, bike ride, bake, swim, dance, garden, tea party ... you get the idea.

There are times however when I just need to take a dump without the bathroom door swinging open and being hurried along because somebody is going to pee her pants.

Yes we only have one bathroom and yes it's very third world country of us.

I also would like to take a bath without some tiny person swinging that same door open and insisting I play with their bath toys.

I'd like to read a couple of pages from a book or go on facebook or start and finish a cup of tea (before it gets cold). Watch a WHOLE movie without pressing pause 26 times. Ok, if a movie is out of the question, how about one segment of Oprah. Just one segment!

Well folks I've come up with the solution every mother on this planet has been waiting for. A product that let's you have "your time" and no one can get near you.

You can still hear and see those precious offspring but maintain your own personal space. Your little slice of heaven that you can call your own.

Ladies, I give you... The Mommy Crate!

Only 69.99

Wine not included.

Erin...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A Dog's Life

Last week I had the unpleasant task of saying good-bye to our family dog.
Norman had been with us for almost 12 years. My husband and I got him as a wee little 5 week old puppy early on in our relationship and he became a major part of our lives and eventually our family. He traveled with us, lived in multiple homes with us, welcomed our two daughters into the home, protected us, loved us and occasionally annoyed the hell out of us. Just like any good relationship does.
So as my husband and I lay with him on the floor of the vets examination room telling him how much we love him, (Norman, not the vet) ((although the vet is pretty cute)) my thoughts were racing between how much I love this dog…how much I will miss this dog…and how will I explain to my 5 year old daughter what happened to this dog.
Our oldest daughter had grown to LOVE Norman. Called him her brother. (Clearly from my husband’s side) And although we had been laying the ground work for a while that Norman was getting old and having some health (cancer) issues and would die one day, this was still going to hit her hard.
Once the deed was done and I was able to fight back the tears for a few minutes, I sat her down and delicately explained that Norman had died. She exploded into tears.
Heart breaking! How will she ever get over this? How will she grasp the concept of life and death at such a young age? Such a huge issue for such an innocent little girl.

And then, through her wailing and tears she sobbed, “Can we get a Chihuahua on Saturday?”

I think she’ll be just fine.

Me on the other hand…

R.I.P. Norman.

Erin

Crippled

Can't...walk...Can't... sit...legs... are...so...SORE!!!
Damn... you... bodypump.


Oh look cake!

Hate is a strong word.

We think saying the word "hate" is worse than dropping the "f" bomb in our house. My five year and eight month old (yes it makes a difference until you're about 25 years of age) says "BAD WORD" whenever anyone says it and you would swear she had tourettes at my in-laws house because "hate" and "stupid" fly around like flies on shit in that house. Annabelle's eyes are always bugging out of her head at us every time she hears it.

I started working out at the gym around the corner from my house because being naturally thin seems to be a part of my past. I guess making homemade chocolate chip cookies and chocolate chip buns and anything with chocolate chips isn't helping either.
So today I took part in my very first "body pump" class.
I used REALLY light weights so as not to cripple myself leaving me couch ridden for a week.
That would be bad. I'd have nothing to do but eat more chocolate chip things which would defeat the purpose of working out to begin with.
Vicious circle.

Alisha was the class teacher. Great energy, clearly very fit and spoke often of her 20 month old child.

I HATE HER.

At one point in the warm up with my teeny tiny weights I almost passed out and the only reason I didn't was because I talked my way out of it.

Inside voice: "If you pass out with only five pound weights by your side even the old lady beside you will point and laugh. Suck it up!!!"

I'm scared of how I'll feel tomorrow, but I'm terrified about how I will feel in two days.
Second day always kills and I'm sore eight hours after the class!
So...I hate Alisha. If you're reading this Alisha, I'm sorry. Annabelle if you're reading this? Mommy said a bad word. But the mean mean Alisha almost made mommy barf.

I hate you so much Alisha...that I'll come back. You know why? Not for washboard abs or because I want t run a marathon. I'll come back because I want to eat chocolate chip things and I don't want to have a heart attack. That's it. I will take your class and try my best not to blurt out...
I HATE YOU!!!

bad word!

Erin zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Speed Reading...PLEASE

It takes a village to raise a child...and a PVR to make sure you don't miss your favourite shows!

MOO!

I never EVER thought I would be like "those" women who whip out their boobs in public and feed their child. I thought as a childless judger, they had bad timing. They were clearly not in touch with their childs feeding schedule and then would just selfishly think it's their right to just expose themselves and make the world look at busting milk bag.
Really, boobs are not at there prettiest when they are mad with milk.
They're monsters really.
I'm surprised my newborn girls weren't terrified by the swollen eggplant coming at their face.
Really nobody wants a woman to take it out and feed her one month old baby because it's not a pretty Pamela Anderson porn boob. It's less Playboy...more National Geographic. It's a monster boob with a nipple the size of a dinner plate and as brown as a well done steak.
BLAHH!!!
I also was not gonna breast feed for a long time.
Maybe one year. Tops.
I'm a not tit witch.
Get the job done, do your duty, then feed them a sandwich.
Well the first one I breast fed for 18 months and she bit me twice. The first time I screamed. The second time she was done.
I'm still breast feeding my second one. She's 2 years and four months.
I know!
She loves the boob. I mean she LOVES the boob and I'm too tired to ween her. She loves the boob so much I was sleeping with my back to her and in the middle of the night I heard "boobie...boobie". My shirt was up and I 've got this mole on my back...
Yes that's right. She tried to latch on to my mole. Suddenly I was a thrity-eight year old woman with a back nipple. That's how much she loves the boob.
And you know what? I let her. I was so tired I let my child latch onto my back mole nipple. I thought this might work. I could give the ones in the front a break.

Oh and I feed her public.
And I love the looks of distain from the twenty-year-old high heeled childless judgers.
They'll get their turn.
MOOOOOHAAAAAHAAAAA !!!!!!!!!

Erinzzzzzzzzzzzz

another single mom shout out

Oops, I forgot to mention another very cool single mother, my high school friend Jen who has two kids and just got her nursing degree this month.
I'm thinking of teaching an exercise class if there's time...

Mothers Day

Mother's day is tomorrow so, before I go on...

Mom I love you and thank you for being my angel here on earth. I keep trying to do right by you. My kids deserve the love and endless patience and support you gave me.
You made it look easy.
Way too easy.
I mean...how the hell did you make it look so easy!?

I still want to snuggle with you and share the ups and downs of my day because it makes me feel so safe. Nothing I could ever do would stop you from loving me.
I feel like I picked the best woman to be my Mom and every day I'm thankful.

Okay Happy Mother's day to all Mother's out there. We all deserve a day to have breakfast in bed, to not do laundry, to go to the gym, to get some cards and/or flowers and/or chocolate.

About once a week when I'm in the shit, I think "I don't know how single Moms do it?"

So to all my single Mama's like Mel at the drop-in centre who is raising her son on her own, is incredible at her job, who is positive and supportive to each and everyone of us and loves our children, I say thank you.

To Maia who lives in N.Y. and has two lovely kids while performing eight shows a week on Broadway in "9 to 5" and has the most incredible outlook on life, thank you.

And to my friend Stacey-Lea who suddenly became a single mom to two kids (nobody died, just a mid-life crisis) and runs her own business with the energy love and passion that would put most people to shame, thank you.

I am in awe of your strength and I am honoured to call you my friends.

To you ladies I say Happy Mother's day.

I will never complain again.
(for the rest of the day)

Erinzzzzzzzzzzzz

Sometimes It's A Crappy Job

My two-year-old was in the tub and about 10 minutes into her bath as I was setting up the towel for the drying process I hear "Mama Poop Out! Poop Out!" I turn around and there is my angelic little girl being circled by a dozen of her own poop balls like a hungry pack of lions on a frightened baby gazelle. She had this look of horror on her face. The expression of the weak one in the herd that had wandered away from the pack. That poop didn't look all that happy either.
I quickly snatched her from the fecal clutches and called my husband. He rushed in, assessed the situation, considered his options, and took the clean toddler to diaper and get ready for bed.
I was left with the shit soup.
I had no idea how I was going to get the crap out. Oh did I mention there was three dozen bath toys amongst the dump. MOSTLY squirt toys.
I thought about using a spoon to scoop the poop, but anytime I'd eat a yogurt after the clean up I would inevitably think "is this the Poppy poop spoon?"
Or what if we had guests over and they needed a spoon for their tea or coffee? Shit spoon roulet.
So...I used my hand and scooped 9 mini dumps out the tub and into the toilet.
It actually wasn't that bad. I mean, she's my kid, right? This is family poop.
It's like when you have to pick up after your dog on your daily walk. When it comes out of your dog it's second nature to clean it up, but when you're forced to pick up an annoynmous doggy dump you're gagging all the way through it.
Mind over matter.
If that had been my nephew's crap I would've passed out. And that would be totally acceptable because he's not mine...and he's thirteen.
Erin zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz